hephaestion2014's blog

Um ba ba be Um ba ba be De day da Ee day da

Hope that my personal and specific events has some universal resonance.

Now, I was thinking of hanging up my Speedos for good a little while ago. Nothing to do with this site or the people on it - I'd have still stayed as have lots of good mates on here that I like chatting too as much as trying to make them tap.I'd have been less active. It felt like the thrill had gone. I hadn't worked it out of my system but after the matches and on the train home I was being to feel less happy.

Why's that? I hear no-one cry, Did you not enjoy yourself?

Well yes, I did. I had a great time but after a period of time on the site, and after the amount of opponents I have had, I began to think people might expect more from me. I'm not a newbie after all.

"So how many matches you won then? I beat so-and-so, they were easy, did you get them to tap?"

I've began to notice that competitiveness was being to creep into people's conversation with me. As if this site was a league, and people were trying to put me into it. Was I top of the league? Was I a Stoke - middle of the table just milling about? Was I a Sunderland - no-one sure what I was doing here in the top leagues? Or was I a Leicester - champion once but sliding down into oblivion?

I was beginning to feel a pressure that yes, I should be winning. I should be doing better. Not improving, but just better. Suddenly something that was me turning up and doing my best and having fun doing it was becoming something else.

I was back to being the school kid again dreading sports because as my then undiagnosed dyspraxia would mean I'd just be a disappointment. On the train back from wrestling matches, I could hear the patronising tones of my PE teacher saying, " well at least you tried and didn't trip over, so that's a success"

School days huh? They mess you up.

To mask the fact that I'm not brilliant and, unless I repeat a move a lot I forget it, not the biggest move repertoire I began to adopt the jobber role. Don't get me wrong, I love being in the position where I'm fighting to get control back, where my aggressive side can be released because I'm defending myself rather than going after someone. I.like reflecting my opponent's energy.

But I was finding the Jobber title wasn't a full fit for me.

"Yeah, but he's just a jobber right? He'll just lie there, that's no fun."

So there's all the pressure to fit into boxes and labels that didn't fit. I didn't want to be thought of as fun and friendly and the dreaded nice.
I wanted to be thought of as rough, tough, scary and a beast. I don't have the looks, the body or the skill to get people onto the mats with me, so let's try and tweak myself into something else. Let the pressure of what they want from you make you into a diamond.

Pressure doesn't do that to me. Recently met a guy I have always wanted to wrestle. Man, I wanted to impress him. I sucked. I choked. I forgot how to do a headlock and went back to the early days when I used to wrestle with my eyes shut so I could think ... but moving on.

I was trying to be someone I wasn't. Well not in whole. There's a heel to me, there's a jobber to me, there's a Hulk-smash inside me, there's a thug and there's a wrestling dummy too. I'm all those in one, but there's a pressure to cut off parts of me. To adapt to so much to what my opponent wanted, I was forgetting me too.

I was talking to one opponent after a match asking him if he had fun.
He stopped and said yes he did ... but did I?

We had a good chat and I explained how I felt about all the "nice" and no-one wants to fight the nice guy. He put me right, pointed out that at heart I'm doing this for fun. I'm not naturally competitive but I offer competition. I'm a challenge and genuinely fun to wrestle.

By adapting to others expectations I was putting a pressure on myself that I couldn't really thrive under.

I'm friendly, I'm tough, I'm nice, I'm gobby, I'm occasionally an arse, I'm playful, I'm serious, I'm a bookworm, I hold back too much sometimes, Im a geek, im shy, I often forget about protecting an arm, I'm a jobber, I'm a heel, I contain multitudes

But I'm all me.

I will adapt but I'm doing this for fun (fun doesn't have to mean erotic) I will learn as I go, I will make mistakes but I'll never give a damn about win/loss, or the amount of opponents but more about how many guys want that rematch and round two or three.

Forget that pressure pushing down on me

[Bridge: Freddie Mercury]
Um ba ba be
Um ba ba be
De day da
Ee day da -
I'm okay :)

Translate
Last edited on 2/23/2017 2:06 PM by hephaestion2014
PermaLink
Votes disabled.

Comments

13

edscissors (30 )

2/23/2017 3:24 PM

"I was forgetting me too". We've not met but I've seen you be consistently supportive of others' efforts. You're definitely the nice guy. Please just continue to be the nice guy, supporting and encouraging others' efforts and having fun with your meetings in the way you want. Keep being who you are!
Edward

Translate

Squashlad (256)

2/23/2017 11:20 PM

Yeah, teachers can be pricks. “Craig has participated enthusiastically in gymnastics this term, but without conspicuous success”.... Ouch. Wow, thanks for that report to my parents Mrs Kouka. That was 33 years ago, and it's still burnt into my brain. Why the fuck couldn't we just have done wrestling?!

Translate

hephaestion2014 (51)

2/23/2017 11:26 PM

(In reply to this)

I see you as being quite good at gymnastics. All that being stretched out and tied into knots ;)

But yeah. I'd happily get a few of my PE teachers in the ring now, but maybe not your Mrs Koura, how embarrassing if she beat me :)

I did Judo at school. Well rolling around in pyjamas, my hormonal body wasn't always thankful for that.

Translate

mackemsub (98)

2/24/2017 10:51 AM

Sunderland is happy to beat you anytime mate

Translate

hephaestion2014 (51)

2/24/2017 5:28 PM

(In reply to this)

I'll be the Southampton to your Sunderland matey ;)

Translate

Vanman (87 )

2/24/2017 6:17 PM

(In reply to this)

I can see Southampton climbing the table rapidly. (That's for you Gaz)

Translate

ImtiazAli (198)

2/24/2017 10:45 PM

Well from our chats, you are certainly a fighter, if it may not be on the mats, it's certainly off them.

Although, the reality is, if you want to be better. You have to train for it constantly. I went through many painful BJJ sessions form getting tapped... Still getting tapped three years later... However if wrestling is an escapism, then a tussle would presumably suffice?

I personally beat the black dog by constantly pushing myself to be better, but don't always succeed...

Only you know, / can decide what is best for you.

All the best.

Translate

hephaestion2014 (51)

2/24/2017 11:08 PM

(In reply to this)

Thanks mate. Yes, you're right. Especially about training.

Whilst I envy and admire your skills, I am in awe of the dedication that you have in earning them.

You're right. Nothing worth having comes easy. To be awesome, to be a great wrestler, you need that training, not the odd group meet. Although I do learn things each time at them, especially after locking up with you.

I do it for fun. For escapism. To get away from real life a bit. Live in my body, not my head.
There's nothing better than a tussle to perk you up. Make you live in the moment and drown out the external noise. But stupidly on my behalf I was letting others expectations of me warp that experience.

When the black dog is barking in the background, I think it's easy to be distracted by it and not see things how they really are. Instead of being fun, it became about worth, I think. Am I worth it? The dog says no so no-one else thinks I am too.

Yes, I see the striving and pushing to be better working for you - as long as you keep sight of in wanting to be better, you are already good.

The good thing about this site is now, and back then it was fellow members of this site who take time to notice there was a problem and chat about it.

In this site, which is about toughness, machismo and the strong odour of testosterone - it's scary to sometimes be vulnerable and honest. It's seen as a weakness sometimes - but it's good to know that you can be - and there's others to talk to about things

Thanks mate, I'm sticking around and following my own path not letting the pressures from others divert me from it.

Wrestle soon. :)

Translate

ImtiazAli (198)

2/26/2017 10:59 AM

(In reply to this)

Glad you made a conclusion, and a good one at that. Be you, and be happy doing what you do. Everyone is on this site for different reasons and they tend to paint a potential opponent in that image. I get a lot from pro-wrestlers.... Damn pro-wrestlers.

Translate

sthlincs (7)

2/25/2017 9:54 AM

Good for you, writing about that so eloquently and I think there are mpre 'nice' guys thinking the same and it rings true.

Translate

Vanman (87 )

2/25/2017 10:29 AM

We all got / had that Black dog, let's use the site and each other to collectively cull the little bastard.

We are who we are, we fight as we fight end of story. Other people's opinions matter not a jot as long as we enjoy each bout, win, lose or draw!

Translate

toxic (13)

2/26/2017 8:14 AM

Great text... thanks...

Translate

LdnGrapple (64)

2/26/2017 10:48 AM

Thanks for being you.
When I am on the circuit again
I will look forward to a match with you ..

Translate